Please listen carefully, for the selections have changed:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly,
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, & 6
If you are a paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, you will hear a voice tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive and in the down phase, it doesn't matter which number you press, we will not answer, and if we do, we would not able to help you - and we charge an arm and a leg. If you are in the upper phase, then everything is fine and you don't need help (yet)-nor do we need our counselor listening to your endless chatter.
If you are paranoid-schizophrenic, watch out! The thing you are holding on the side of your head has just woke-up, and it is about to bite you head off.
If you are merely a neurotic mess or borderline, you have already pushed everybody's buttons.